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2 Things That Lead You to Lose Your Self-Confidence Amidst a Divorce

(This article was published in the Huffington Post on 11/17/16)

Divorce, job loss, or the crumbling of a relationship are examples of sudden life-changing events that can cause pain and suffering—whether you saw them coming or not. Chances are pretty good that when a sudden soul-crushing event happens to you, anger and sadness quickly turn to blame, which can take two forms.

BLAMING OTHERS

You can blame others and point the finger at somebody or something that you feel caused your pain and suffering. In blaming others, you identify yourself as victim because it was done to you.

The reality is that sometimes IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. Others may be squarely to blame for your circumstances, and you may have had no control over what happened to you. In other cases, you may just find that it’s easier to point the finger at someone to justify your anger, hide your humiliation, and satisfy your ego.

BLAMING YOURSELF

You can also blame yourself. In doing this, you identify as a victim of your own making because you feel like it was done by you. You feel that you have done something bad or wrong that contributed to the situation; this is why blaming yourself is most often partnered with feelings of guilt.

Fabulous, right? That’s just the cherry you needed to top the sh*tstorm sundae in front of you!

In both circumstances, when you become a victim, you give up your power. In a recent blog in the Huffington Post, Karen Covy, a divorce attorney and life advisor, said that guilt “strips your power away from you faster than a vacuum cleaner sucks dirt from your carpet.

“Guilt is a feeling. It comes from your heart, not your head. But it starts when your head tells your heart that you have done something bad or wrong. Getting divorced is not necessarily bad or wrong. It is also not necessarily good or right either. The truth is that divorce is whatever you make of it.” The same could be said of losing your job, or the crumbling of a relationship. The truth is, it’s whatever you make it.

If we focus on guilt, we lose our power, and when we lose our power, fear takes over. When fear rules the day, you have two options.

Option one is to push down the fear; you hide it and pretend it’s not there. It’s like trying to hold a balloon under water; you have to apply so much pressure to keep it down that eventually it’s just going to shoot right up to the surface.

Option two is to address your fear. Acknowledge it, walk with it hand and hand, and feel it instead of treating it like the enemy. Figure out what your fear is and whether or not it has any truth to it.

At one end of the spectrum you have blame, guilt, fear and powerlessness; at the other end of the spectrum you have accountability and power. Moving to the positive side of the spectrum and taking your power back is your responsibility.

4waysfinalplaceitlaptopiphoneIt doesn’t matter if something was done to you or by you. It doesn’t matter if it was right or wrong. It doesn’t matter if it was fair or unfair. What matters is that you alone are responsible for how you move forward. You are responsible for your own happiness. If you contributed to the situation, own it and forgive yourself for it. You are human and you are okay!

And if you’re reading this post RIGHT NOW, then you’re in a unique position to find out exactly how to take back your power and move forward, feel confident and be happy.

Now that you know about the consequences of playing the pain-blame game, I’ve created a DETAILED, free cheat sheet to help you gain back and hold onto your power.  

My wish for you is to sidestep the countless traps that make most divorce recoveries epic disasters, and instead be able to move forward and feel confident because you own your power. I’ve been focusing on resilience for over 7 years now and I’ve made MANY mistakes along the way. You don’t need to do the same! I’ve compiled a list of 4 easy ways to take back your power (and keep it). To learn how to take your power back, download my free guide.

Free cheat sheet bar

You can use these lessons over and over again in your life.  Feel free to share this with others if you find it helpful!

Mary

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2 thoughts on “2 Things That Lead You to Lose Your Self-Confidence Amidst a Divorce

    karen says: November 24, 2015 at 5:52 am

    This is just way too simplified & naive. The majority of contested divorces involve 1 party with a serious personality disorder – it could be either but is most frequently the male. If you have kids there is no greater hell then what the narcissist will put the kids & you through with the courts blessing if the narc has the money. My hell lasted 10 years & my kids want nothing to do with him.

    Reply

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